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Communication
in Marriage
Good communication
is the cornerstone of a healthy marriage relationship.
Unfortunately it is often the most troublesome aspect in a marriage.
When a couple is courting they never seem to have any trouble
talking to and understanding each other however many couples
report that once they get married good communication is the
first to go. This is distressful to both partners.
It is not uncommon to hear a wife complain that the husband
is more interested in the newspaper or the television than in
hearing what she has to say. Husbands have similar complains
in regards to their wives having a lack of understanding for
them and their needs.
How
is a couple to sort this out? For some couples reading
books to educate themselves on communication skills is a great
resource, for others attending seminars and workshops or seeing
a counselor has been very helpful, for yet others talking
to and getting advice from trusted friends have been the right
solution. Whatever the case may be the couple must come
to a place where they are willing to learn and change.
A good understanding of gender differences is also important
in learning to communicate effectively. Men and women
are different in how they express themselves as well as in
how they receive information. Healthy communication
is a skill that can be acquired. And it is a skilled
that must be worked on and practiced consistently. It
is often said that having a good marriage is hard work but
having a bad marriage is easy. It requires no effort.
Question
1
When my
husband and I were dating, we could talk for hours about anything
and everything. Now that we're married, we go out to
dinner and have nothing to say to each other. What has
gone wrong? Now he just keeps his thoughts to himself.
Millions
of couples experience that transformation. They talk
endlessly before marriage but find themselves with little
to say a few years after. When the courtship is over,
some people find it very difficult to express their feelings
openly and honestly. That is more true of men than women
as a general rule. Research makes it clear that little
girls are blessed with greater linguistic ability than little
boys, and it remains a lifelong talent. Simply stated,
she talks more than him. As an adult, she typically
expresses her feelings and thoughts far better than her husband
and is often irritated by his reticence. God may have
given her fifty thousand words per day and her husband only
twenty-five thousand. He comes home from work with 24,975
used up and merely grunts his way through the evening.
He may descend into Monday-night football while his wife is
dying to expend her remaining twenty-five thousand words.
Every
knowledgeable marriage counselor knows that the inability
or unwillingness of husbands to reveal their inner thoughts
to their wives is one of the common complaints of women.
A wife wants to know what her husband is thinking and what
happened at his office and how he sees the children and, especially,
how he feels about her. The husband, by contrast, finds
some things better left unsaid. It is a classic struggle.
You
and your husband can overcome the problem if you will get
it out in the open and agree to work together on communication.
It is a key to successful marriage.
Question
2
My husband
is somewhat insensitive to my needs, but I believe he is willing
to do better if I can teach him how I am different from him.
Can you help me communicate my needs to him effectively?
Perhaps
I can begin by suggesting how not to handle this objective.
Try not to resort to what I have called the "bludgeoning technique,"
which includes an endless barrage of nagging, pleading, scolding,
complaining, and accusing. Avoid the impulse to say
at the end of a tiring workday, "Won't you just put down that
newspaper, George, and give me five minutes of your time?
Five minutes – is that too much to ask? You never seem
to care about my feelings, anyway. How long has it been
since we went out for dinner? Even if we did, you'd
probably take the newspaper along with you. I'll tell
you, George, sometimes I think you don't care about me and
the kids anymore. If just once – just once – you would
show a little love and understanding, I would drop dead from
sheer shock," etc., etc., etc.
That is
not the way to get George's attention. It's like hitting
him with a two-by-four, which is guaranteed to make him mad,
silent, or both. Instead of yelling at him, you should
look for opportunities to teach your husband during moments
when he is most likely to be listening. That instruction
requires the proper timing, setting, and manner to be effective.
Let's look at those three ingredients.
1)
Timing. Select a moment when you husband is typically
more responsive and pleasant. That is most likely
to be in the morning – perhaps on a Saturday, when his workday
pressures are less. By all means, don't blunder into
a depressing, angry diatribe when he is tired and hungry.
Give your effort every opportunity to succeed.
2)
Setting. The ideal situation is to ask your husband
to take you on an overnight or weekend trip to a pleasant
area. If financial considerations will cause him to
decline, save the money out of household funds or other
resources. If it is impossible to get away, obtain
a baby-sitter and go out to breakfast or dinner alone.
If that too is out of the question, then select a time at
home when the children are occupied and the phone can be
taken off the hook. Generally speaking, the farther
you can get him from him, with its cares and problems and
stresses, the better will be your chances to achieve genuine
communication.
3)
Manner. It is extremely important that your husband
does not view your conversation as a personal attack.
We are all equipped with emotional defenses that rise to
our aid when we are vilified. Don't trigger those
mechanisms. Instead, your manner should be as warm,
loving, and supportive as possible under the circumstances.
Let it be known that you are trying to communicate your
own needs rather than emphasizing his inadequacies as a
husband.
When the
timing, setting, and manner converge to produce a moment of
opportunity, express your deep feelings as effective as possible.
And like every good Boy Scout – he prepared.
For those
who wonder how I know so much about getting the attention
of husbands, it's because my wife approached me in exactly
this manner. She got her message through.
Question
3
What advice
would you give to a woman whose husband just won't respond
to her emotionally? That's my situation. Darrell
is a good man, but he's not romantic, and he'd rather keep
his thoughts to himself. How can I deal with the longing
inside me?
Some men
will never be able to meet the needs of their wives.
They don't understand how women think and have never been
required to "give" to anyone. Those who are married
to these unromantic and non- communicative men must decide
what is reasonable to expect and how they can forge a meaningful
life together. Or they can seek an early divorce.
I think the former is better!
If Darrell
is such a man, my advice is that you attempt to show him,
without nagging or becoming angry, how you are different from
him and what your unique needs are. Work to change that
which can be improved in your relationship, explain that which
can be understood, resolve that which can be settled, and
negotiate that which is open to compromise. Create the
best marriage possible from the raw materials brought by two
imperfect human beings with two distinctly unique personalities.
But for all the rough edges that can never be smoothed and
the faults that can never be eradicated, try to develop the
best possible outlook and determine to accept reality exactly
as it is. The first principle of mental health is to
accept that which cannot be changed. You could easily
descend into depression over the circumstances in your life.
But you can also choose to hang tough and be contented in
spite of them. The operative word is choose.
Can
you accept your husband just as he is? Seldom does one
human being satisfy every longing and hope in the breast of
another. Obviously, this coin has two sides: You can't
be his perfect woman, either. He is no more equipped
to resolve your entire package of emotional needs than you
are to become his sexual dream machine every twenty-four hours.
Both partners have to settle for human foibles and faults
and irritability and fatigue and occasional nighttime "headaches."
A good marriage is not one where perfection reigns:
It is a relationship where a healthy perspective overlooks
a multitude of "unresolvables."
I
don't mean to imply that the advice I've given is easy to
implement or that it will take away the longing you described,
but every human being eventually encounters difficult situations
that are beyond his or her control. At that point, a
person is either going to collapse, run, become angry, or
do all three. I submit that acceptance is a better alternative.
This
article was written by Focus on the Family Malaysia and the
Questions and Answers are extracted from Dr James Dobson Book
entitled 'Solid Answers' with permission.
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